Do you know why I stopped you? You’ve been driving thru under the influence. Would you please step out of the car, put the burger down and put your hands up – way up, where I can see them. Oh, and you’ve got ketchup on your shirt.
No, I’m didn’t pull you over for eating while driving. I’m going to have to place you under arrest for committing food crimes against humanity. You know what you’ve done. It’s written all over your face. Or, is that a mixture of bacon grease and chip dust?
Ever notice how thoroughly ridiculous junk food is getting? It’s almost as though it’s all a big joke, like in this hilarious classic SNL sketch.
I can’t help it; every time I see another culinary catastrophe, I hear Roberta Flack’s voice ringing in my ears…
Killing Me Softly With Tacos
Killing Me Softly
With Cheese fries
Washing it down with…
A Big Gulp…
And it’s a sad song, the stuff which makes one weep and emit garlic from every pore. People, I don’t know if you even realize how serious this is! We’re all living under a big gray cloud and that cloud is the gaseous fume of a bloated society. We are sizzling under the heat of a thousand red hot salamanders like so much applewood smoked bacon.
We’ve all been there, had our own “What the what?” moments when we’ve witnessed these crimes against food and humanity.
Here are but a few of the worst crimes committed culinarily. These are the meals that try man’s bowls. In a court of slaw.
1. The KFC Famous Bowl. Famous for being one of the most highly caloric nonsense on the planet. It reminds me of my Uncle Jack, who was “famous” for piling all his food groups into the center of his plate in a giant mound, only able to consume it all together, for some inexplicable and disgusting reason. Naturally, I was always stuck sitting next to this nasty mess. This bowl’s for you, Uncle Jack! All twelve billion calories of it. Hey! And you won’t wanna miss the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl! Mmm…mmm…good! Because is this America if we leave out the cheese and the bacon?
Layer upon layer of potatoes, corn, fried chicken, cheese and bacon. Oh, who are they kidding? Those aren’t layers – it’s a mound. The veritable trough presentation.
2. Paula Deen’s Famous Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding. What to do when you’ve discovered the decadent pleasure center that is the Krispy Kreme glazed donut? Well, if you’re Paula Deen, you cover it in heavy cream, whip up a custard and call it bread pudding! The recipe was one of the first things I ever witnessed Deen concocting on her now defunct cooking show. I could not believe my eyes. I still can’t. Even more fun, was watching her stuff the gooey goodness into her mouth, cackling away blissfully. I enjoyed her candor then. But Paw-uh-luh Honey, you’re part of the problem now – not the solution.
photo: Paula Deen/Food Network
3. KFC’s Double Down. KFC has done it again! This time, eschewing the pesky bun, for more chickeny pastures. Listen, anybody can put two pieces of bread around a sandwich! This is Kentucky Fried Territory, mister! You’re gonna get two pieces of fried to perfection chicken hugging your…chicken…and cheese, and cheese, and cheese…and bacon. And more bacon. I promise you, that if you double down on this, you will most likely double over.
4. The Bacon Weave Taco. Sure it’s crafty, but do we really want to eat this? Okay, I hear a resounding yes from teens everywhere, but think about it! Is there anyplace where bacon hasn’t been anymore? Bacon is becoming the Linda Lovelace of the food chain. You know exactly where it’s been: everywhere. And you’re not quite sure you want to be seen with it anymore because, your reputation. This creation comes from Dudefood.com and no offense guys, but the philosophy kinda makes sense now. This has got tailgating written all over it. But I dunno, don’t you think it would be nice to take up basket weaving instead? You already have the mad skills. (Also see the mac n cheese stuffed bacon weave taco. I weep for humanity.)
5. The Fries & Onion Ring Topped Cheeseburger. You know what I truly appreciate? Expedience! Economy. I like it when people think outside the box and put everything inside one food item. Stuffing in turkey? Classic! Cheese filled Oscar Meyer hot dogs? Genius! I’ve even seen sandwiches that go ahead and put the cole slaw right on top. Okay, that’s creative. But when I saw the french fry, onion ring topped majesty that was the Kilimanjaro of Burger King burgers, I had to wonder, is this their way of making things easier? Could it be that they’ve decided to eliminate excess paper in an attempt to go green? Turns out the answer on both counts was no. It’s just more excess. Because the question asked ’round the BK food world after one of these babies is ordered is “Would you like fries with that?”
Did I miss any? Have you seen any Food Crimes Against Humanity that you’d like to share?