Deciphering a Small Fortune


I say: He who order Chinese food…still have to order dessert. Because the fortune cookies suck.

Everybody knows the fun is in the fortune. But what the heck do they mean?

I got one that said “If you’re still hungry…order more food.” How prophetic. It’s Chinese food, people. Of course I’m still hungry.

I save my fortunes. My kids love ’em, I love ’em. I put them on the fridge door and I save the rest in a box. I’ve got hundreds and I like to think I’ve picked up a little insight from them over the years.


So as a public service, I’ve decided to take some of the mystery out of it so you can look like a regular Confucius at your next shitty take-out dinner party.

You’re welcome.

You enjoy giving gifts of yourself to others. You will be rewarded.

Beware of STD’s.

Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

When you set up your best friends and they get divorced, that shit stays with you.

Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.

How to feel like a woman on steroids.

Patience is one of the hardest virtues to master.

Yeah…get to the point, asshole.

Your infinite capacity for patience will be rewarded sooner or later.

Be patient because the rewards usually come later.

Well done is better than well said.

Unless you’re a writer.  Then you’re screwed.

Getting together with old friends brings new adventures.

Unless your ex shows up. Then be prepared for a fist fight.

A small house can hold as much happiness as a big one.

Invest in storage space. Because you still need someplace to dump all your shit.

Your home will be visited by good health and wealth.

Put on a pot of coffee. Richard Simmons and Ed McMahon are coming over.

A good friendship is often more important than a passionate romance. 

You’re gonna need your friends when your main squeeze stops squeezin’.

Made in the USA.

That explains the Kung Pao Chicken.

Good clothes open many doorsGo shopping.

Fortune cookies can also be tiny infomercials.

Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard.

Size does matter girls.

A mile walked with a friend contains only a hundred steps.

Your friends don’t exercise? The walk will be from the fridge to the couch.

You cannot run away from yourself; you’re always right behind you. 

You’re paranoid and your shadow is out to get you.


2 responses on “Deciphering a Small Fortune

  1. Lin Randolph

    Okay, so I’m the weirdo who actually enjoys the plastic wrapped cookie. Yes, they tend to be stale and oftimes you risk breaking a tooth biting into one, but I’m an odd duck and like the not-too-sweet lemon-vanilla cookies. However, due to a change in my dining choices, I haven’t had one of these treats in a very long time.

    And while I haven’t kept every fortune I’ve received, I have kept a few choice slips of wisdom. I have a few taped together hanging on my refrigerator. And I have one in my wallet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *