Tag Archives: fast food

Meat Mountain: Now I Can Quit You Arby’s

I’ve decided to walk away from my relationship with Arby’s.

Yes, it’s true. After a lifetime of this on again-off again love affair that can only be listed in the “It’s Complicated” category, I’m calling it quits. For real this time. Sure the mystery meat masquerading itself as “beef” was the red flag throughout our courtship, but I was able to mask that by hitting the sauce pretty hard. I always knew the relationship was doomed, but I refused to pay heed to the realization. The feeling was always the same; I’d go in full of heightened expectations, optimism, an ever increasing sense of hopefulness, only to come away feeling cheap and dirty. What had I just done? The lure of the 5 for $5 was too great a temptation to deny.

But now? Now I can’t look away from what my object of desire has become. It’s just too much – on so many levels. The sense of betrayal I feel at the emergence of Meat Mountain after all these years, has left me feeling empty when I know if I would only allow it, I could be so full.  But I won’t. I won’t allow myself to stoop so low.  I can’t stand to look myself in the mirror anymore.

Have you not heard? The fast food chain decided it wanted the world to know it wasn’t just about the beef anymore. No. They’re playing on all teams now, baby. So they began running ads featuring a salacious, lip smacking image of proteins piled high to illustrate the oh-so-many meats one can encounter at their establishment.  Little did they know that people would begin asking for it. “I’ll have one of those sandwiches with all the meat on it” they cried.

Just what does “all the meat” entail? It’s no less than roast beef, roast turkey, ham, bacon (because of course), 2 chicken tenders, brisket, Angus steak, corned beef, topped with cheddar and swiss for good measure. It’s a tall order. Literally. And it will cost you, like any risky relationship would. This one however, will be $10, thank you. Of course the price paid is immeasurable down the road of artery hardening regret.

I can’t in good conscience go on like this. Not anymore. I can’t turn a blind eye to what Arby’s is doing to my family, my sense of propriety, my waistline. So I say to you Arby’s, “I quit you! Not even if you offered to supersize me would I take you back. I will not take that dangerous chance of falling from so much grace as from the slippery slope of the veritable potato cake cliff.”

Goodbye Arby’s it was swell while it lasted. But I don’t know you anymore.

I thought you were different.

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Blasted All To Hell: And That’s Just the Goldfish

The Huffington Post recently did a piece on the 21 Most Disgusting Foods You Used To Be Able To Get Away With Eating – and while I’m too old to have indulged in some of them, there are those on the list that my kids definitely dig into.

Oh, I try to be the voice of reason. When I shop, I do my best to only bring home some of the contraband and I tell myself repeatedly that it’s not for me – it’s for the children.  Then with one trip to Target, my husband goes and spoils it all by buying something stupid like the junk food. It’s like Christmas when he gets home. He’s the rehabilitated Scrooge and the kids are little Bob Cratchets – “Oh bless you! Bless you ever so!” 

What does he bring home? Many of the things on the HuffPo list. Stuff I never ate as a kid because even I think they’re disgusting. Like the pizza rolls.  Here’s a list – not that he shops with a list, mind you. It’s more like he traverses the snack aisle and just brushes it off the shelf and into the cart like CC Rider on a bender.

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Remember the scene from that movie? I don’t know why, but I’ll never forget it. Okay, yes, I do know why – because the dude just goes in and puts together an entire lunch while breezing down the aisles; makes himself a sandwich, washes it down with a soda, and busts open a package of Bounty’s to wipe his face. What a gentleman, right? That clearly made an impression on me.

Anyway, the list…

* Pop Tarts – the family size, because my husband is economically inclined that way.

* The aforementioned pizza rolls

* Cheetos. Oh, but not just one kind! One kid likes ’em spicy and crunchy, while the other one prefers old school puffy and cheesy. He likes our children to be    happy. How altruistic.

* No fewer than 3 liter bottles of soda: A&W root beer, Sprite and Coke – everybody’s happy – except for Mom.

* Cereals. Yes plural. And because they all have a shelf life of forever and my children’s palates have the attention span of yesterday’s Trix commercial, we still have petrified red dye #4 riddled puffed rice from 2005 hanging out in the pantry. Listen, do me a favor, will you? If you see the little green guy with the top hat and he happens to ask “Where’s me Lucky Charms?”, tell him they’ve been in my kitchen since 2001 and can he please come get them the hell out of my damn house.

* The “Party Size” pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Oh, we’re not having a party. Unless you consider me sneaking a few and then stepping on the scale the next morning to experience a massive shame spiral a party.

* Klondikes bars. Turns out my kids never have to wonder what they’d do for a Klondike while they’re under our roof. Klondike acquisitions are absolutely guaranteed for the duration.

* Every configuration of Goldfish crackers currently known to man.

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If you ever wondered if Goldfish crackers were being marketed mostly to males, wonder no further. There is one “flavor” that presents itself in the festive pink and purple pastels we gals have come to know and expect and after that, we are BLASTED! Everything is FLAVOR BLASTED, as if Chuck Norris broke down the door of the factory and personally blasted the poor little fishies in every configuration of bastardized flavor that might be pleasing to your local frat house. Turns out, my 14 and 8 year olds love ’em too.

Oh, I could go on, but you get the idea. It’s a snack free-for-all around this place and really, who am I kidding? I’m guilty of having a certain fondness for Wendy’s.

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Food Crimes Against Humanity

Do you know why I stopped you? You’ve been driving thru under the influence. Would you please step out of the car, put the burger down and put your hands up – way up, where I can see them. Oh, and you’ve got ketchup on your shirt. 

No, I’m didn’t pull you over for eating while driving. I’m going to have to place you under arrest for committing food crimes against humanity. You know what you’ve done. It’s written all over your face. Or, is that a mixture of bacon grease and chip dust?

Ever notice how thoroughly ridiculous junk food is getting? It’s almost as though it’s all a big joke, like in this hilarious classic SNL sketch.

I can’t help it; every time I see another culinary catastrophe, I hear Roberta Flack’s voice ringing in my ears…

Killing Me Softly With Tacos

Killing Me Softly

With Burgers

and Enchiladas

With Cheese fries 

Washing it down with…

A Big Gulp

And it’s a sad song, the stuff which makes one weep and emit garlic from every pore. People, I don’t know if you even realize how serious this is! We’re all living under a big gray cloud and that cloud is the gaseous fume of a bloated society.  We are sizzling under the heat of a thousand red hot salamanders like so much applewood smoked bacon.

We’ve all been there, had our own “What the what?” moments when we’ve witnessed these crimes against food and humanity.

Here are but a few of the worst crimes committed culinarily. These are the meals that try man’s bowls. In a court of slaw.

1. The KFC Famous Bowl. Famous for being one of the most highly caloric nonsense on the planet. It reminds me of my Uncle Jack, who was “famous” for piling all his food groups into the center of his plate in a giant mound, only able to consume it all together, for some inexplicable and disgusting reason. Naturally, I was always stuck sitting next to this nasty mess. This bowl’s for you, Uncle Jack! All twelve billion calories of it. Hey! And you won’t wanna miss the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl! Mmm…mmm…good! Because is this America if we leave out the cheese and the bacon?

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photo: KFC

Layer upon layer of potatoes, corn, fried chicken, cheese and bacon. Oh, who are they kidding? Those aren’t layers – it’s a mound. The veritable trough presentation.

2. Paula Deen’s Famous Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding. What to do when you’ve discovered the decadent pleasure center that is the Krispy Kreme glazed donut? Well, if you’re Paula Deen, you cover it in heavy cream, whip up a custard and call it bread pudding! The recipe was one of the first things I ever witnessed Deen concocting on her now defunct cooking show. I could not believe my eyes. I still can’t. Even more fun, was watching her stuff the gooey goodness into her mouth, cackling away blissfully. I enjoyed her candor then. But Paw-uh-luh Honey, you’re part of the problem now – not the solution.

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photo: Paula Deen/Food Network 

3. KFC’s Double Down. KFC has done it again! This time, eschewing the pesky bun, for more chickeny pastures. Listen, anybody can put two pieces of bread around a sandwich! This is Kentucky Fried Territory, mister! You’re gonna get two pieces of fried to perfection chicken hugging your…chicken…and cheese, and cheese, and cheese…and bacon. And more bacon. I promise you, that if you double down on this, you will most likely double over.

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photo: KFC 

4. The Bacon Weave Taco. Sure it’s crafty, but do we really want to eat this? Okay, I hear a resounding yes from teens everywhere, but think about it! Is there anyplace where bacon hasn’t been anymore? Bacon is becoming the Linda Lovelace of the food chain. You know exactly where it’s been: everywhere. And you’re not quite sure you want to be seen with it anymore because, your reputation.  This creation comes from Dudefood.com and no offense guys, but the philosophy kinda makes sense now. This has got tailgating written all over it. But I dunno, don’t you think it would be nice to take up basket weaving instead? You already have the mad skills. (Also see the mac n cheese stuffed bacon weave taco. I weep for humanity.)

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photo: Fooddude.com 

5. The Fries & Onion Ring Topped Cheeseburger. You know what I truly appreciate?  Expedience! Economy. I like it when people think outside the box and put everything inside one food item. Stuffing in turkey? Classic! Cheese filled Oscar Meyer hot dogs? Genius! I’ve even seen sandwiches that go ahead and put the cole slaw right on top. Okay, that’s creative. But when I saw the french fry, onion ring topped majesty that was the Kilimanjaro of Burger King burgers, I had to wonder, is this their way of making things easier? Could it be that they’ve decided to eliminate excess paper in an attempt to go green? Turns out the answer on both counts was no.  It’s just more excess.  Because the question asked ’round the BK food world after one of these babies is ordered is “Would you like fries with that?”

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photo: grubgrade.com

*sigh*

Did I miss any? Have you seen any Food Crimes Against Humanity that you’d like to share?